I need to Vent

I cannot sleep because I feel like my baby is sitting in a hospital alone and that she needs me as her father to be there with her. I have been emotional all day. I know what the answer is, but am having a hard time accepting that answer. It isn't like this is a life threatening thing, at least we hope not, but I don't just want her to be alone. I already have this connection that I cannot explain. Yet I have maybe spent a couple of hours with her.

I want her to know that I love her and I cannot stop thinking about her. We have been praying a lot and we have given her a blessing. It is the same feeling that I get when one of our kids is sick. It is just amplified by the fact that we are home and she is somewhere else.

I want to be strong for my kids and wife and give them a shoulder to cry on and reassure them that things are okay. I find myself slipping away to cry because of the unknown. We have had doctors tell us that she is fine, that everything is precautionary and others act like she is dying. I am frustrated with the level of clear cut answers. I know that she is only a day old and that they cannot have immediate answers, but the unknown does not help my state of mind.

The latest is that they will find out tomorrow if it is an infection. One doctor that Kim talked to tonight said that he heard a murmur in her heart which most likely means that she has a valve that isn't closing all the way yet. He said that generally that means 7 days for monitoring and by then it usually corrects itself. All said, we still don't know. We just have to act like we are okay and answer everyone's calls when all I really want is for her to be healthy and home.